Hump Day Humor ~ Morticians and this one is blonde too!

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the nex t day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’ To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’


‘So I just switched the heads.’

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Hump Day Humor ~ Cowboys ~ The Cowboy Boots

The Cowboy Boots 

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this) 

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put
on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and
him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second
boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked,
and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them
on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time
on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?",
like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little
feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots.
My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had
left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the
toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

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Hump Day Humor ~ Lawyers

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him
occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels
and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting
for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a
blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading
a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound
of the commotion, she looks up, puts her
coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter,
gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried,
across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants;
takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze
and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the
father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without
saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'.

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Hump Day Humor ~ Blondes

Hump Day Humor is a weekly Wednesday meme and it is
hosted by Meredith from Mercedes Rocks
This weeks theme is ‘Blondes’.

A blonde, a brunette & a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in & after filling out the forms & going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her a last question, “How many D’s are there in ‘INDIANA JONES’?”

The brunette thinks for a second & responds, “One.”

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he’ll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same & at the end, “How many D’s are there in ‘INDIANA JONES’?”

She immediately says, “One..”

The interviewer says, “OK, we’ll let you know.”

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions & finally gets asked, “How many D’s are there in ‘INDIANA JONES’?”

She gets a very serious look on her face & starts counting her fingers, muttering, “2, 4, 6… hmmm – wait… 2, 4, 6… Can I borrow your calculator please?”

After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer, “Thirty two!”

The interviewer is stunned & asks her, “OK, now tell me, how the heck did you arrive at this answer?”

To hear her response to the question: “How many D’s are in ‘Indiana Jones’?”… now imagine the theme music playing here. Duntada dunt dun dunt dun Duntada dunt dun dunt dun Duntada dunt dun dunt dun Duntada dunt dun dunt dun Duntada dunt dun dunt dun

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Hump Day Humor ~ Heaven or Hell


Hosted by Mercedes Rocks

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

“Don’t worry about that”, says St. Peter, “It’s only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings”.

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. ‘Oh my God,’ says the old lady, ‘now what is happening?’

‘Not to worry,’ says St. Peter, ‘She’s just having her head drilled to fit the halo.’

‘I can’t do this,’ says the old lady, ‘I’m going to hell.’

‘You can’t go there,’ says St. Peter. ‘You’ll be raped and taken advantage of.’

‘Maybe so, says the old lady, but I’ve already got the holes for that!

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Hump Day Humor – Marriage


Hosted by Meredith at Mercedes Rocks

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during t he entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, ‘While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.’
Tamy

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Hump Day Humor ~ Pondering Higher Education & Life

hosted by Meredith at Mercedes Rocks

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn’t already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, ‘Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I’m eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?’

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, ‘Of course you may!’ and she gave me a giant squeeze.

‘Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?’ I asked.

She jokingly replied, ‘I’m here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids…’

‘No seriously,’ I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

‘I always dreamed of having a college education and now I’m getting one!’ she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.

We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop I was always mesmerized listening to this ‘time machine’ as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I’ll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, ‘I’m sorry I’m so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I’ll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.’

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, ‘We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.

There are only four secrets to staying young: being happy, achieving success. laughing and finding humor every day… You’ve got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don’t even know it! There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don’t do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn’t take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don’t have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.’

She concluded her speech by courageously singing ‘The Rose.’ * She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives. At the year’s end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago.

One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it’s never too late to be all you can possibly be…

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.


GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL!

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

*Some say love it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
And you it’s only seed

It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance

It’s the one who won’t be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live

And the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed that with the sun’s love
In the spring becomes a rose

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Hump Day Humor ~ Teachers

This meme is hosted by Mercedes at Mercedes Rocks

Theme for Hump Day Humor – Teachers

Next weeks theme – PETS

Hopefully this doesn’t offend anyone.

First-year students at Texas A&M’s Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, “The second most important qual ity is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.”

Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough, it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.

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Theme~Out of the mouths of babes~Grandma doesn’t Know Everything


“This is a weekly meme for Hump Day – Wednesdays.
Participants will post anything humorous: email forwards, pictures, happenings, or personal stories that go along with the question(s) and/or theme that is posted for that Wednesday.”

hosted by Meredith at Mercedes Rocks

Tony had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

She was a little taken a back, but she decided to just tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.” Little Tony just said, “Oh, OK,” and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.”

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